Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
