OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
