I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I currently don't understand fingers.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
