my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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