We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
