I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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