He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
