i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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