you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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