So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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