it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
