he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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