so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
