i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
