The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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