Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
