I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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