Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
