i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
