Soap is not a condiment
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
