Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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