when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize