I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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