This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
