I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
