Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
