as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
