I didn't shave. On purpose
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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