dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
