Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
