I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
