So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
