Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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