Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
