you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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