I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I came so hard my ears popped.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
