my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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