My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
