after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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