Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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