i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
