So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
