i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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