I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
