And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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