Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
