Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If that was your dad, he is hot
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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