haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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