I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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