worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
