Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
