My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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