I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
