I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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