I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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