threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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