Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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