Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
