i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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